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Clara, 23
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Clara, 23

I wrote my first suicide note when I was 14. I didn’t do anything about it but I didn’t understand that it wasn’t a typical thing to do. All I knew was that I felt lonely all the time, like a physical pain in my chest. Sometimes I pictured my heart with blood leaking out of it. At the same time, I was getting good grades at school, so no one noticed anything was wrong – not my teachers and not my parents.

Things got worse when I went away to uni, but I was good at hiding it. Or I thought I was. I started drinking a lot. Any time I wasn’t going out or studying, I felt like my brain was punishing me. A constant voice telling me I was useless, a horrible person, a waste. That no one would ever care about me and no one should.

One day, a friend commented that I never smiled anymore. I remember being surprised, and trying to work out if it was true. It was such a little thing but it helped me see how bad things were. As though I’d been sleepwalking and suddenly woken up. It also made me realise that I used to be different. That’s when I went to the counsellor. She sent me to a psychologist who, after a few sessions of talking about it, diagnosed me with depression.

It was more than depression. I ended up taking a year out from my studies. For a long time, I stayed in bed all day. I felt like I’d failed, and thrown away every chance of being normal.

After a while, when my mum got home from work, I would sit in the kitchen while she cooked. Eventually I started chopping things for her. And now I cook while she talks. It’s our routine. Cooking is such a simple, creative thing – I like the feel and the smell of ingredients, fresh herbs and things, and doing something for others makes me feel good too.

Accepting that I have depression has helped me see that this sadness isn’t who I am as a person. It may always be with me but I know that if I let people help, I can have more good days.


References

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. What is IBD? Available at: http://www.cdc.gov/ibd/what-is-ibd.htm.
The IBS Network. What is IBD? Available at: https://www.theibsnetwork.org/have-i-got-ibs/what-is-ibs/.
Crohn’s & Colitis UK. Crohn’s Disease. Available at: https://www.crohnsandcolitis.org.uk/about-inflammatory-bowel-disease/crohns-disease.
Crohn’s & Colitis UK. Ulcerative Crohn’s. Available at: https://www.crohnsandcolitis.org.uk/about-inflammatory-bowel-disease/ulcerative-colitis.
Ng SC, et al. Lancet. 2017;390(10114):2769–78
Crohn’s & Colitis UK. About Inflammatory Bowel Disease - What are the Symptoms. Available at: https://www.crohnsandcolitis.org.uk/about-inflammatory-bowel-disease/what-are-the-symptoms.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Epidemiology of the IBD. Available at: https://www.cdc.gov/ibd/IBD-epidemiology.htm.