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Lisa, 35
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Lisa, 35

Desperate, lonely, worthless and inferior. That’s how I’d describe me at my lowest. The moment I could no longer cope was when I started my job. I felt like a failure, always criticising myself. It was tiring and I was always sad. I cried a lot. That’s when I went to my GP.

At first, it seemed like she didn’t take me seriously. I was told I just needed some rest, but that wasn’t enough. After some time, I was referred to a psychologist and then a psychiatrist, who started me on treatment. All in all, it took around two years for a diagnosis.

After 18 months I wanted to stop the medication, so I did. But I didn’t realise how badly this would affect me. It got to the point where I was suicidal. I didn’t actually plan anything but I was convinced it would be better to go because I felt my life had no value to anyone. The only reason I didn’t kill myself was because my father was away on holiday at the time. I didn’t want to ruin his trip.

I knew I had to see the psychiatrist again. He restarted my treatment and, luckily, everything went back to normal. I keep my pills in this oval box. It’s gold with flowers on it. Quite frumpy, really. But I used to play with it as a child so it has good connotations for me.

I still had bad days but I’d find a way through them. In fact, frequent trips to the garden centre became a big part of my life. I love being surrounded by nature and having the time to reflect. Flowers in particular bring me calm and help remind me that everything’s going to be OK.

Today I’m happier. I take care of myself a lot, and working and living my life the way I want is something I need to keep doing. Depression is hard and negative and it does not bring joy, but I’m proud to say I found help and support to get me through it.

References

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. What is IBD? Available at: http://www.cdc.gov/ibd/what-is-ibd.htm.
The IBS Network. What is IBD? Available at: https://www.theibsnetwork.org/have-i-got-ibs/what-is-ibs/.
Crohn’s & Colitis UK. Crohn’s Disease. Available at: https://www.crohnsandcolitis.org.uk/about-inflammatory-bowel-disease/crohns-disease.
Crohn’s & Colitis UK. Ulcerative Crohn’s. Available at: https://www.crohnsandcolitis.org.uk/about-inflammatory-bowel-disease/ulcerative-colitis.
Ng SC, et al. Lancet. 2017;390(10114):2769–78
Crohn’s & Colitis UK. About Inflammatory Bowel Disease - What are the Symptoms. Available at: https://www.crohnsandcolitis.org.uk/about-inflammatory-bowel-disease/what-are-the-symptoms.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Epidemiology of the IBD. Available at: https://www.cdc.gov/ibd/IBD-epidemiology.htm.